As I await
the arrival of our fifth child, knowing that the moment could come any day now
when we will welcome him into this world, I cannot help but sit back and revel
in the wonder of this new life and of the veritable miracle that all of my
children are.
As I’ve
mentioned before, our lives are built within a framework largely designed by
the society and culture in which we live.
In the past, this framework had molded within me an idea about children. This framework contained a formula of things
necessary to consider relative to children. If a+b=c, then one should have
children. If c=d+f-e, however, you’d
better limit the number of children you have to one or two…if a+b=z,
well then, you might as well do everything within your power NOT to have
children. Ever.
The factors,
or multiples, addends, minuends (or any other “ends”) all represent what I like
to refer to these days as “ducks”. Ducks
that we all often feel must be “in a row” before moving forward with a
plan. These factors include not only
practical things like money, homes, vehicles, job situations, insurance, etc.
(all of which God has promised to provide, mind you) but also the desires that each of us has—our plans,
hopes, dreams, and personal goals.
It has
surprised many people to learn that I never dreamed of having a bunch of kids (why else would she? They must wonder.) The truth is that 12 years ago I didn’t want
children. Ever. The formula just didn’t add up for me. Frankly, kids were an annoyance at best—not that
I spent much time around them to know. I
was never one to see a child, or even a small baby, and say, “Oh cute!” My heart had no room for little souls or the
dirty, needy little bodies they inhabited. No, I was
quite focused on the plans I had for my future.
God had given me brains and intellect; surely He wanted me to use it. I had many passions for things that I thought
one day I would excel at if given the time and opportunity to focus on and develop
them, which is what I fully intended to do.
I truly thought that someday I would do “something
great”, that I would make a name for myself in the world (Tower of
babel, anyone?) and leave an imprint somehow on it.
None of my
goals and dreams included children, they couldn’t accommodate children, at least not for many, many years. So, 10 years ago, when God began to stir
within my heart questions like “Do you really trust me?” and “Do you really want the plan that I have for
you?” (Jer. 29:11) I had to take a good, hard look at
myself. I claimed that I trusted God, I
professed that “HE knew best”. I thought
that I wanted His plan and believed that I was doing all I had to do to
accomplish it…I confessed that I wanted Him to be IN CONTROL of my life…
Yet, He
pointed out clearly to me that there was something that I had not given to Him,
something that I didn’t really trust Him with, something I was taking 99.9% of
control of…and that was the possibility of having children.
While I didn’t
see how it could possibly fit into my
life and what I thought God’s plans were for me, I had to face it. Was I really willing to follow Him anywhere? Did I
really believe that His plans for me were the best, even if they looked
entirely different from what I had always imagined?
Make no
mistake. Just the thought of it was
almost horrifying at the beginning. First of all, I had
no natural love or affection for children, but rather the opposite—how could I
ever be a good mother? Secondly, I
thought that I knew myself, and well
enough to know my gifts and abilities and therefore the direction in which God
was leading me, what He was calling me to do…surely God
wouldn’t give me children if He didn’t want me to have them…but did I believe
that? Did I trust Him enough to “let go”. Believe me when I say that I wrestled with
Him over this one. I prayed and prayed,
searched the Word and studied it.
As much as I
was trying to find a way out, I was also trying to find the truth, and it didn’t
take long to realize that I DID want God’s way, whatever that meant. Through scripture, not only did I see that
God DID (and does) have a plan for me, but that it was GOOD. I saw verse after verse that told me His
intentions for me were GOOD, that He is the giver of every good thing.
I also
began to understand that even though I thought I knew myself quite well, I
really had no clue. God, who created me, knows every detail. He knows my capabilities, my heart, and most
of all He knows what I really want, and what I'm created to do. In
fact, He has shown himself quite capable of “giving me the desires of my heart”
when I delight in Him and have committed my way to Him (Psalm 37:3-5) He showed me that, on its own, my heart is deceitful
above all (Jer. 17:9 ) and really can’t
be trusted or even known!
So, I knew
that I wanted His plan and not any plan of my own, but still I wondered…what about biology? If I “let go and let God” wouldn’t my body
just naturally conceive and conceive and conceive? could God, would
God, usurp control over His design?
My first thought was of my own parents, who tried desperately to have
children for 10 years, had my brother, three years later had me, tried and
tried for more (the goal was eight!) but couldn’t. It wasn’t necessarily a given that not taking control meant a million
kids. Throughout the bible I read story
after story in which God “opened and closed the wombs of women”! (Sarah, Rebekah, Leah, Rachel, Hannah, Samson’s
mother, Ruth, Elisabeth…) My God is the same God that He was back then!!! If He didn’t want me to have children, He has
the power to close my womb (boy was that a relief!)
But the Word
of God didn’t just stop there…throughout those stories, I saw the yearning of
these women, who couldn’t conceive, to bear children, their heartache was
apparent. I read verses that spoke of
children as a BLESSING. A Heritage. A reward… (Proverbs 127:3-5)
What the
heck was wrong with me? Where had I
gotten the notion that children were nothing but a burdensome responsibility,
an inconvenience, and that having children was something less than “great”,
second rate to a career or accomplishing some personal goal? It’s clear to see now that the society and
culture we live in builds that framework for us.
I went
forward excited, trepidations notwithstanding, knowing that whatever God had in mind was
exactly what I wanted for my life, knowing that He was fully capable of
controlling and directing my life and in a way that far surpassed my own
abilities.
A couple
months later I found that I was 8 weeks
pregnant. And you know what? God had given me a desire for that baby, a
love that I would have never fathomed, from the very first moment that I knew of him. While many people questioned me, obviously disappointed
that I was “wasting my gifts” by becoming a mother, I went forward
enthusiastically knowing that this
was God’s good and perfect will for me.
People very near and dear to me cried when I told them that I would not continue
earning my degree, because it was clear that God wanted me to be a mother and MOTHER
is what I would be.
In an
instant, all of my dreams and plans changed.
They didn’t simply disappear, but they were traded in for something better and because I knew that God had
designed it, I knew that it was going to bring me more joy and fulfillment than
anything else could. And it has. Each child that God has added to this family
has multiplied the love and the joy that I experience. I have struggled over the years to hold fast
to this faith, I’ve been afraid of giants, I’ve felt the need to put my ducks
all in a row, I’ve caved under pressure from people who think I’m nuts…
But then I’ve
remembered…and repented. And have been
blessed beyond measure!
While all
children are indeed miracles, my children are that and so much more…to me, they
are constant reminders of God’s grace, of His goodness, and power to change me
from what I was to what I am, giving me the chance to enjoy this wonderful life
that I never would have known. They are a reminder that regardless of how
different it looks compared to the world, His plan is so much better and worth
following wholeheartedly!
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