Lately I have found myself in a very difficult position. On top of battling hormonal and cyclical symptoms of depression--and the guilt and struggles that accompany it when you actually have to get out of bed and exist--I have been overwhelmed by an onslaught of emotions regarding our current situation in life.
The bible says, " Hope deferred maketh the heart sick." And well. That just about sums it up.
To frame up a very long and complicated background, let me briefly provide some context.
From early on in our marriage, we have had a vision of what our future would look like. While it was nothing like what either of us has planned on our own, we have been confident that these new desires and dreams were God-given. The goals, the plans to achieve them, all seemed promises God had made to us. In my mind our future awaited us like the "Promised Land", and along the way we have tried to do our best to trust God and His provision, to walk in a way that honors Him (though many times we both have failed) as we wander towards what await us.
Well, what we thought would take a couple years, has now taken eight. My little ones are now big ones, and more little ones are added fairly regularly. Where we are currently has gotten to feel something like a "layover" in life. The plan is just not moving forward. We seem to be stranded. Life is going by at an alarming rate and accomplishments and goals that (in my mind) should have been achieved, aren't even in sight.
I have grown impatient to say the least. From the mundane details of daily, practical living, to the deeper spiritual progression that I've anticipated, it seems that everything serves as a reminder that we aren't where we belong. Every detail hangs in this precarious state of "if and when", "when this then that".
With impatience, questions and doubts have also moved in. I've begun to wonder if our plans were way off base. If so, why did we feel "led" down this path? What is the purpose of this not-so-little 'layover'? Especially when everything that will happen "when and if" is ultimately more God honoring than what we are doing now. (Specifically in relating to debt and the money we will have to give and serve when we aren't paying a mortgage!)
There have been so many unexpected twists and turns on this journey so far. Jobs have come and jobs have gone. Finances have been plentiful and time limited until an about face occurs and we are thrust back into uncertainty with plenty of time and more wittingly dependent on God's provision than ever before.
To say that life has been a roller coaster is an understatement. It hasn't been much fun. But on it we have learned to trust God completely. We have learned that He is more than faithful. More than able and ever willing.
Over all life has been filled with much joy and many blessings. When I am fully invested in TODAY, in each individual moment, I feel blessed and satisfied beyond measure. My children and this life I lead, the opportunities that God has provided for me to serve, the rare opportunities I have to use my gifts and fulfill that desire to be 'productive' all make life so wonderful.
...but then the arrows start raining down on me. I wipe the table that my family has officially outgrown for the third time that day and fume because I won't be able to have the big table I've designed, that we are more than capable of making ourselves inexpensively, until we sell this small home and build the "big house".
I step onto the front porch to scream and thrown things at our goats who, inspite of having 10 acres to browse, insist on eating my shrubs that have taken eight years to mature to beautiful health. All because we don't want to sink more money into proper fencing for them until we are at the other property.
I have been slowly becoming a master of 'doing without' things I think I need, and many luxuries we Americans are spoiled with, because we lack the space. Prioritizing and minimizing materialistic items has been a daily effort in our itty bitty home, in order to maintain some semblance of sanity.
Yet while I am truly grateful for the beautiful house that God has given us, the experience we had in the building of it, the warmth and protection it provides, etc., our property we plan to settle on sits and waits. Money is flying from our pockets and is lining those of bankers, while my heart longs to double or triple our giving. When we sell this home we long ago outgrew we will have the means to build the home and farm we have been planning without the help of a bank. All that money that would be paid in interest will finally go where it belongs: to those in need, to furthering the Gospel, towards funding the adventures in serving God together that we dream of as a family.
Our time, such a precious commodity, will be used to build up this family, this home, our church and community, instead of being spent working merely to pay the bills.
These goals are all good, right? They're all based on directives we have found in God's word that we yearn to obey. But none can be accomplished until God moves us to that place, that time. We are dependent on Him for the sale of our house. We trust His timing (at least 80% of the time!), we trust Him to lead us down this path we are on. If He wants us to build on the land, He will provide the means and opportunity.
Despite not being where we hope to be, we have obeyed all of these to the best of our ability, where we are, with the resources we have. We have given when it hurt, we have tried to take advantage of the little time we do have to serve Him. We have devoted our lives to raising the kids God gives us with the lifestyle and ethics we hoped to instill by raising them on the farm. All of these things are good. Should be good enough, right? I just can't accept that it is, and waiting for what is to come has been getting to me.
In the last couple years I have come to understand that there is something more He wants for me before He moves us forward, and it is the most difficult thing of all. It is so difficult because it involves so much discomfort. It's not as easy as acting out of the love God has already placed within our hearts. Instead it requires the death of such an integral part of who we are as people.
He wants me to learn to be content. Truly content. Not merely putting on contentment like a robe that covers my impatience and frustration. He wants me to delight in Him. Not in His blessings, not in the act of serving Him (which IS delightful), not in the act of giving, or even obeying.
He wants me to learn how to take the frustrations of life with grace and faithfulness. He wants me to allow that innate selfishness and entitlement within my heart to whither and die under the strain of those circumstances which are out of my control. He wants my heart set on things above, not on things below.
Yes, I understand this intellectually. Yes, I want to be molded. But it hurts. "Hope deferred" makes me want to forsake the dreams and goals that I have, even though I'm confident that it is a promise from God. Like the Isrealites at the border of the promised land, weary from the desert journey, I want to say "forget this! Let's go back to Egypt cause at least there we didn't expect anything better. At least there we had nothing to fight for." The fight against my own sin nature in this place has made me battle weary.
The fight to trust in God's timing, and the questioning of our past choices has become more intense as of late. I've felt more defeated than ever before.
But then late last night my eight year old daughter sat down to snuggle and began asking me questions that had been troubling her. In tears, she explained to me that she didn't know what she was supposed to do when grows up. She has many desires, many ideas, but she wants more than anything to do what God wants her to do; and like so many of us she wanted to know how on earth she would know what exactly that is.
In talking to her, as so often happens, I felt the Holy Spirit speaking through me not only to her, but to me as well.
Out of my mouth came words depicting life as a maze. Just like a maze, we don't have the ability to see around each turn, to know which way will get us through, let alone what lies ahead at the end. God doesn't give us a map to follow, but He does offer directions for how we are to walk along the way. Each moment we have what we need, the knowledge and directions to walk well along the path. When we come to a place where we have to make a choice, when the way we should go becomes optional, then it's up for us to ask God for wisdom as His word says "if any lacks wisdom let Him ask it of God who gives liberally to all those who ask." It's up to us to be quiet and listen for the answer, then to lay down our own desires, our own thoughts and understanding, our worries and fears, and just trust Him.
Sometimes the right path doesn't seem like the right choice. Sometimes it is incredibly scary. Sometimes the path is riddled with events and circumstances that cause us to question not only why we are on it, but the goodness of the One who directed us to it...
But at the end of the maze, when we can finally see, recalling the journey that is now over, we will understand. And we will be glad and rejoice that we followed Him.
So today I am thankful. I'm thankful that God knows right where I am in this maze of life. He knows where the next turn will lead, He knows when it's coming. He knows where I will end up.
Today I am going to accept that this particular path is a long one, but a good one. Today I'm not going to allow myself to keep stumbling over those stepping stones that are meant to build my strength and character. Today I won't, as tempting as it has been, sit down in the middle of the path and refuse to go on like a frustrated toddler.
Today I will continue on trusting my Father.
Then I'll do the same tomorrow.
