I Have Called upon Thee

Last week I was certain that I was going to have this baby.  

I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, my family and I prayed together (the kids fervently!) that the baby would be born...day after day we did so, expecting that God would hear us and we would be blessed by the arrival of our little guy.  Admittedly, the kids and I were all a little more than miffed when the baby just never came, especially when night after night contractions kept me awake, only to stop. 

Weary and impatient, I prayed to God one morning, “Lord, I’m not asking you why because I know that, like Job, it is not my place…but I’m asking you for understanding.  I’m asking you to help my heart to feel rightly about this, for wisdom to recognize and truly believe in this moment that you know best—that there is a good reason why our prayers were not answered.”

I went further, boldly before the throne of grace, feeling a little bit like Jacob wrestling with the Lord, “Father, I am not leaving this bed until you have changed my heart and my attitude and given me enough understanding to be grateful. I’m not leaving until somehow you’ve renewed my faith.  I know that your will for me is to be faithful and you've promised that if anyone asks for wisdom and understanding you'll give it to them liberally.  I am asking, Lord.”

I grabbed my chronological bible from the window sill by my bed and asked the Lord to guide me to the words that would speak to my needs.  I opened to Joshua and read both pages.  Pages which delineated which tribes of Israel would inherit which land in the Promised Land…

“Really, Lord?”  I asked.  “Is this how it’s going to be today?  Please don’t be silent, please don’t hide your face from me.”

 

Desperately, I begged for understanding, “Father, is my family somehow in the wrong?  Are we outside of your favor because of some hidden sin?  Or am I just being blinded by hopes and expectations that don’t align with what is really the best?  I’m losing faith, Father.  You have revealed your goodness to me, your promises and I’ve come to trust that you’ll shower me with them because your word says so over and over.  But at this moment I can’t seem to hang on to the hope that I had before…please, Lord, speak to me!”

So I opened my bible again and these were the words that I read.  (from 2 Samuel 23:5)

“Is not my house right with God?

Has he not made with me an everlasting covenant,

arranged and secured in every part?

Will he not bring to fruition my salvation

and grant me my every desire?”

There really aren’t any words…

But to say that God knows my heart, He knows my real desires and He will grant them.  The words He has spoken are true, He has indeed made a covenant with me and it is arranged in every part, secured in every part.  He will bring His will, His best, to fruition. 

Then this Sunday happened.  I had arrived at 39 weeks, the farthest along I’ve ever been and never expected to reach.  For a few hours I was in labor (good, solid contractions every 5 minutes), in the wee hours of the morning, so we all arose from our warm, cozy beds and prepared to leave.  Adorned with coats, boots, hats, bellies full, ready to head out the door…

And everything stopped! 

Ooooookaaaaay.  

Frustrated, once again, I spent the morning with a terrible attitude, wresting within myself—feelings and emotions against knowledge and faith.  Once again, I prayed that God would help me to understand what was important here.  It was becoming evident to me that He may be trying me with the end result being a wonderful lesson learned that might just make me stronger, better, more faithful…but at the moment I was failing!  Knowing it, I asked for help, I asked that I would not doubt and lose faith simply out of frustration and confusion.  I begged for a right perspective and focus—the focus being on Him and trusting Him in all things…that even though it wasn’t immediate and there’s discomfort (to say the least) in waiting, He will follow through and show me His glorious goodness ultimately! 

More than anything, my desire is to be right with God.  My desire is for a good attitude that is pleasing and honoring to Him and that my faith would be strong and He would be glorified in my life, that He would provide a powerful testimony of His goodness to me that I can shout to the world! 

But I’ve become keenly aware that I am ridiculously weak and I am truly pathetic for struggling so much over something like this…and again, he applied His words of truth as a balm over the next couple days:

“And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee; for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.”  Psalm 9:10

“Lord, thou hast heard the desire of the humble; thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear.”  Psalm 10:17

“Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not.   I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear unto me and hear my speech.  Show thy marvelous lovingkindness, oh thou that savest by thy right hand them which put their trust in thee…”Psalm 17:5-7

A Child's Heart

As the tragic events of yesterday unfolded in the media, my husband and I discussed openly with our children what had taken place.  While it is extremely important for us to shelter our children from opportunities to sin and from the influence of godlessness, we decided long ago that our children should not be sheltered from "the world" but should be aware of the evils lurking, that their eyes be open and hearts soft to the distiction between God's way and the world's (or man's).  

Yesterday was a perfect example of what the world is.  I don't think that my kids, at such young ages, can fully comprehend what it means that 20 children just like them were killed mercilessly, for no apparent reason.  Eyes blinking and lips pouted dramatically, they said, "that's really sad.  I hope that they catch the man who did it so he can't hurt anyone else."  That was more or less the reaction I had expected.  

My husband and I spoke about the hurt that the families will be struggling with, knowing personally a family who has been on the unimaginable journey of grief for the last year, and praying for them to find comfort from the Comforter.  We talked about the additional heartache of the timing of the tragedy.  Presents bought, perhaps even wrapped for children who are no longer here...20 funerals planned days before what is known as "the most wonderful time of the year"...every year at Christmas to relive the memory...

my mothers heart is broken

But I quickly moved on to pontificating about the spiritual and political matters at the heart of it all.  We 'big people' began to discuss BIG subjects like gun-control and the perils of assuming that repealing the second amendment would solve the violence problems we face as a country.  We talked about the issues of our public school systems and the sad truth that godlessness breeds godlessness, thanking God for the rights and freedoms that we have enjoyed as a home school family.  All things that my kids heard, but may not quite understand...I didn't expect them to.

What I really didn't expect, however, is that the heart of my seven year old daughter would bring me back to the reality in which I should exist, that she would prick my heart with a conviction that I had missed the point entirely.  

As we prayed as a family that night, each taking turns, my little girl prayed for the families of the children who were killed, as I had, that they would find God and be saved...
but then...
then she prayed (not knowing that the 'bad guy' too was dead) 
that "...they would catch the bad guy so he couldn't hurt anyone else and that he would get saved too."  

We had missed it, but she hadn't!  All of our talk about a godless culture, godless government and schools, misguided laws, etc. and we had missed the simple fact that at the bottom of it was one young man who didn't have Jesus and needed Him as desperately as anyone.  THAT is the only real solution to the problem.   My little girl could have been frightened, could have been as angered by his horrible choices as we were, but what came out of her heart was a desire for that wicked man to be forgiven and saved.  That was the real answer and she knew it. 

Oh that we all would have the heart and mind of a child!

A tragedy of our making

Reflecting on the tragedy in Connecticut today, my heart breaks for the children who were killed and those terrorized by witnessing such horror, and the families involved.   But my heart sinks with the realization that we've brought this, and all of the past incidences like it, upon ourselves as a nation.

As a society we've been teaching generation after generation that there is no absolute right or wrong, it's all relative to you and your experience (what's wrong for you isn't necessarily wrong for me, don't you dare judge), that there is no God that will hold you accountable in judgement (if not overtly, kids are taught this in school by omission) and instead, we're teaching generation after

generation that we're a result of nothing more than an cosmic accident and evolved from amoebas and primates...

AND THEN we're surprised when people take it upon themselves to act amorally, as though human life doesn't matter, as though there will be no judgement...really, people? Wake up. This is ON US.

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. Galations 6:7

Oh Taste and See That He Is Good!

Psalm 34:15 The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry.

Psalm 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

Psalm 34:9 O fear the LORD, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him.

Psalm 34:10 The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek [follow] the LORD shall not want any good thing.

Romans 8:32  He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

1 Timothy 6:17  Trust in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy.

Psalm 34:8  O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.

I do not want to be accused of preaching a "health, wealth, and prosperity" doctrine.  But these verses just keep piling up and they cannot be ignored!  

Who is this God that we worship and why do we worship Him? 

Is it out of duty?  A sense of allegiance?  Is it in an effort to “be a part of something bigger than us”? 

Why did God create us?  Why does He want our worship?

Please understand, God did not create us because He lacked something…we were not created out of a need on His part.  Scripture is clear that His intention was to reveal His glory!  He is glorified when we see who He is, when we experience Him, and delight IN HIM!  

He is not good to us because we deserve it; He is good because He is good! And when we fail to see this, when we fail to recognize His wonder and glory, we fail to offer up genuine worship of the one who truly deserves it.  

“Oh taste and see that He is good!”

This verse is the basis of a somewhat silly analogy that I’ve used with my kids in children’s church to help them understand worship and the proper attribution of our worship.  As a woman who LOVES good food and drink, this is an obvious example. 

How do we react when we eat something delicious?   When we are treated to a homemade birthday cake with layers of our favorite flavors and textures, we can’t resist an “Oh my word, this is SO GOOD!” response, or even a wordless moan of pure pleasure…but do we then look at the cake and say, “Cake, you are FANTASTIC!  I am soooo thankful for you.  You’ve sure made my birthday a great one!”  

Umm…as a cook who loves to serve people with my food, I may just slap someone for that!

Certainly not, we look at that friend who prepared the cake for us—knowing what we like and how we like it—that friend who took her own time to shower us with her love in a way that would speak to our hearts and satisfy our desires, and we say, meaning every word, “Thank you SO MUCH, that was delicious!  YOU made my day!”  We probably take every chance we get over the next few days to tell our friends and family what a special treat that cake was too!  And then we not only recognize that friend’s love for us once again, we in turn appreciate and love that friend more!  

I believe that it’s in this way that we will spend our heavenly moments in worship.  It was always difficult for me to understand how we would spend an eternity worshipping God (boy how fun that sounds…); but when I think about how quick I am to worship things that I enjoy here on earth (like ice cream, pastries, and coffee) it seems clear to me.  When we’re in His presence we will be so overwhelmed by the wonder of His goodness, we will be awed and pleasured to worship just as we are when we enjoy those little moments in life that cause us to praise here.  It is here on earth that God gives us a taste of that.  He gives us glimpses of His goodness, even in the midst of sin and sin’s consequences in a fallen world.  

If He that spared not His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?  How much do we miss out on because we fail to recognize God as a loving father who would no sooner give us a serpent when we ask for a fish than our earthly father would?  How much might we be missing out on because we lack faith in God’s goodness?

Just as a note: I think we lack this faith because we don’t usually lack confidence in God as just.   We understand that we really, truly don’t deserve such goodness, so it’s difficult to accept.  Especially when we have this notion that we should be satisfied with salvation and then we let everything else in life go flat.  Don’t get me wrong, His grace in salvation should be sufficient to evoke our genuine worship!   But we need to look past ourselves and remember once again that it’s NOT ABOUT US.  It’s about HIM and HIS GLORY!  Over and over I read these words of God’s goodness, I read His promises, I see what kind of plans He has for men…and I recognize that we can easily miss it.   Let’s not miss it!  Let’s taste and see that He is good!

 

The Battle-ground of...Attitude

I tell ya…the last couple days I’ve been hit with a really bad attitude.

I attribute my feelings to impatience and the “hope deferred” I’ve experienced daily as I wait, longing to hold this baby in my arms.  My tolerance for those kids that I love so much and the husband who is trying to be so helpful has been…slim.  Every little thing irritates me and I’m overwhelmed far too easily.   

And it’s robbing me of the joy “set before me”, I’ll admit.  

But why?  Why, when I have set my eyes and heart upon God’s goodness, when I am anxious to accept this gift that He’s given me, ready to experience His goodness in a way I’ve never expected before…why am I overcome with this oppressive mood? 

Then these words occurred to me yesterday as God applied them to a totally different situation, and I realized that they apply to my attitude problem just as well:

"We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places."

I have no good reason to have a bad attitude, the opposite in fact!  This isn’t coming from me…this is coming from an enemy who is trying his darndest to rob me of my joy and my faith and trust in God and His goodness during this time.  This enemy is trying to distract me from my worship of God and the honor of serving my family as I await the arrival of a heavenly gift! 

So, once again (as I need to do often) I looked up the passage that tells me what I need to do about it.

Ephesians 6:10-19

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.

Put on the whole armour of God, that

ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.

I will be able to stand against any tactic if I’m “putting on the armor of God”!

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

This is not merely a hormonal anomaly common to expectant mothers!  This is not simply a wrestling match between sweet Jen and crabby Jen…

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;

I need to remember the truth…not focus on feelings.  And I need to make right choices, regardless of how I might feel.  I need to STAND on those truths, not just ‘give up’ and wallow in my bummed state of being!

And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;

I need to stop being anxious and instead cast my cares at His feet, remembering that He is the one with the perfect plan (even if the timing has got me twiddling my thumbs!) and let His peace which passes all understanding flood my heart and life.

Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

Most of all, I need to trust God in ALL THINGS.  Not just what I’m praying for and hoping for, but also in the things that I may not understand at the moment.  That constant and all-encompassing faith will shield me from any dart that comes from any direction.

And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

I need to remember that in salvation I have been freed from the bondage of sin (that includes sinful attitudes and thoughts!)  I've been given power to take captive every thought and emotion to the obedience of Christ.  I need to remember to apply God’s words to battle!  I can’t be lazy…The irritations, the expectations that are left unmet that overwhelm me as a housekeeper, the impatience, the “hope deferred”…I need to fight those feelings with God’s word.  And the great thing is that He has given us words that apply to every possible situation!

Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;

Boy have I been self-focused...this reminds me that I also need to stop thinking only of myself…I need to be praying in the Spirit and watching out for all of the saints.  Maybe if I wasn’t spending so much time dwelling and obsessing on what I can’t (and don’t want to) control, just maybe I would have a better attitude about everything! 

James says, “resist the devil and he will flee from you.”  Shamefully, I haven’t resisted much the last couple days…I’ve tried in my own strength to be more patient, less irritable, etc. but I have not ‘put on the armor of God’ against this. 

It may seem trivial to some extent, maybe even a little dramatic, to think that my bad attitude is a spiritual attack; but make no mistake, if there’s goodness and joy to be had of God, the ‘powers and principalities’ that be will do everything possible to rob you of it!  There’s nothing too small, nothing irrelevant, that can’t be used to distract us and cause us to miss out on God’s peace and the fullness of His joy. 

I want a glorious testimony to share and I can’t allow myself to be blinded to the fact that the enemy has other plans.   But God’s divine power has given us everything we need for life and Godliness, and everything we need to stand against attacks on any level!