I Have Called upon Thee

Last week I was certain that I was going to have this baby.  

I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, my family and I prayed together (the kids fervently!) that the baby would be born...day after day we did so, expecting that God would hear us and we would be blessed by the arrival of our little guy.  Admittedly, the kids and I were all a little more than miffed when the baby just never came, especially when night after night contractions kept me awake, only to stop. 

Weary and impatient, I prayed to God one morning, “Lord, I’m not asking you why because I know that, like Job, it is not my place…but I’m asking you for understanding.  I’m asking you to help my heart to feel rightly about this, for wisdom to recognize and truly believe in this moment that you know best—that there is a good reason why our prayers were not answered.”

I went further, boldly before the throne of grace, feeling a little bit like Jacob wrestling with the Lord, “Father, I am not leaving this bed until you have changed my heart and my attitude and given me enough understanding to be grateful. I’m not leaving until somehow you’ve renewed my faith.  I know that your will for me is to be faithful and you've promised that if anyone asks for wisdom and understanding you'll give it to them liberally.  I am asking, Lord.”

I grabbed my chronological bible from the window sill by my bed and asked the Lord to guide me to the words that would speak to my needs.  I opened to Joshua and read both pages.  Pages which delineated which tribes of Israel would inherit which land in the Promised Land…

“Really, Lord?”  I asked.  “Is this how it’s going to be today?  Please don’t be silent, please don’t hide your face from me.”

 

Desperately, I begged for understanding, “Father, is my family somehow in the wrong?  Are we outside of your favor because of some hidden sin?  Or am I just being blinded by hopes and expectations that don’t align with what is really the best?  I’m losing faith, Father.  You have revealed your goodness to me, your promises and I’ve come to trust that you’ll shower me with them because your word says so over and over.  But at this moment I can’t seem to hang on to the hope that I had before…please, Lord, speak to me!”

So I opened my bible again and these were the words that I read.  (from 2 Samuel 23:5)

“Is not my house right with God?

Has he not made with me an everlasting covenant,

arranged and secured in every part?

Will he not bring to fruition my salvation

and grant me my every desire?”

There really aren’t any words…

But to say that God knows my heart, He knows my real desires and He will grant them.  The words He has spoken are true, He has indeed made a covenant with me and it is arranged in every part, secured in every part.  He will bring His will, His best, to fruition. 

Then this Sunday happened.  I had arrived at 39 weeks, the farthest along I’ve ever been and never expected to reach.  For a few hours I was in labor (good, solid contractions every 5 minutes), in the wee hours of the morning, so we all arose from our warm, cozy beds and prepared to leave.  Adorned with coats, boots, hats, bellies full, ready to head out the door…

And everything stopped! 

Ooooookaaaaay.  

Frustrated, once again, I spent the morning with a terrible attitude, wresting within myself—feelings and emotions against knowledge and faith.  Once again, I prayed that God would help me to understand what was important here.  It was becoming evident to me that He may be trying me with the end result being a wonderful lesson learned that might just make me stronger, better, more faithful…but at the moment I was failing!  Knowing it, I asked for help, I asked that I would not doubt and lose faith simply out of frustration and confusion.  I begged for a right perspective and focus—the focus being on Him and trusting Him in all things…that even though it wasn’t immediate and there’s discomfort (to say the least) in waiting, He will follow through and show me His glorious goodness ultimately! 

More than anything, my desire is to be right with God.  My desire is for a good attitude that is pleasing and honoring to Him and that my faith would be strong and He would be glorified in my life, that He would provide a powerful testimony of His goodness to me that I can shout to the world! 

But I’ve become keenly aware that I am ridiculously weak and I am truly pathetic for struggling so much over something like this…and again, he applied His words of truth as a balm over the next couple days:

“And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee; for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.”  Psalm 9:10

“Lord, thou hast heard the desire of the humble; thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear.”  Psalm 10:17

“Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not.   I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear unto me and hear my speech.  Show thy marvelous lovingkindness, oh thou that savest by thy right hand them which put their trust in thee…”Psalm 17:5-7