Restoring a Broken Home

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There is a couple that I know.

Their story is like many--both partners have their own version of course, neither without flair and drama; complete with unique plots and chapters that may not be part of everyone's story, but overall a fairly generic tale. 

Both versions of the story are filled with hopes and dreams, aspiration, confidence, and the best of intentions. 

They met.  Each one entered the plot with a history of their own, a story already begun.  Each had their own knowledge and understand, each their own box of tools with which to begin the construction of the home they dreamed of building.  Like most people, neither were perfectly equipped for the enormous task of building a home. Neither had the right experience or knowledge to lay a proper, and firm, foundation, or the wisdom  required to construct a home that would withstand the test of time. 

But nothing was done in extreme haste, or thoughtlessly.  No, their project was not pursued in complete ignorance, or worked at without diligence.  Each used the tools that they had acquired--much of which was handed down from parents, family heirlooms-- and each did the best work they knew to do.  They worked energetically, each at their own level of competency.

As the home began to come together, it became apparent quickly that something was wrong.  Windows and doors that worked smoothly at first became stuck, or at best became difficult to open and close at will.  The first signs weren't alarming to the couple, but merely an annoyance. 

As the years passed and the house began to fill, the weight of the family and the constant use and demands began to cause more apparent wear and tear on the home.  Over time it seemed like things were falling apart far too quickly, and due to busy schedules, lack of time and energy, no repair ever seemed to be done right, even though over the course of time both tool boxes were equipped with proper tools, and a better understanding of basic construction was learned.  But many of those tools went unused, and proper techniques were ignored in haste, and often out of a lack of confidence in the user's ability to handle them. The problems that were noticed never seemed to be resolved, the need for continual repairs never abated or slowed, and the brokenness only resulted in more and more disrepair.  Broken pipes were fitted with duct tape, damaged floors warped and creaked with warnings to watch your step. The couple learned to tread carefully and to avoid the dangerous areas altogether.

A wind of destruction came with unexpected ferocity--the whole structure moaned, shingles relented to the pull of the wind, floors bowed and windows cracked from the uneven stress placed upon them from the walls that seemed to list.  The destruction couldn’t be ignored.  

They had acquired enough understanding throughout the years to recognize that the problem was with the foundation.  And, horrified, they asked themselves how you can possibly fix a foundation that has been built upon for so many years. A foundation that supported layer after layer of structure that was built with such love, such hopes, the birthplace of so many dreams and goals for the future...

You know who this couple is…

It's us. 

It's so many of us. 

It could be you and your husband or wife. 

The truth of the matter is that very few of us (if any) go into marriage fully prepared and equipped to build a strong marriage and family.  I'm not being negative because I've had a rough couple years, I'm simply being realistic!

We can't possibly know what life is going to throw at us, or how to be prepared for it in advance.  All we can do is do the best we can do, with the tools we have learned to use, and with the wisdom imparted by God, by those who've gone before us, and our own limited experience. 

The sad truth is that so many of us are not being equipped, as we are raised, with the tools we will really need for the future. Especially for marriage.  Education is important, work ethic is important, socialization is important...but somehow amidst all of these lofty goals and high priorities, we are blinded to the need to prepare children for so much of what life as an adult entails.  Relationships. Marriage. Family.

So many men do not learn to understand women-- how they operate, what they need.  Their undeniable weaknesses and strengths. Nor do women learn about men and what to expect from them. Our understanding comes from what we see in our own families and what we view on television sitcoms and romantic comedies.  In particular, many never learn how to communicate effectively, or how to build true intimacy--developing an open, honest relationship with another human being is an alien concept to so many. In striving for equality the unique needs and strengths of women are lost on too many men, and the natural role of the man is skewed and, worse, misused. 

The foundation of this relationship, for the believer, of course, is Christ.  "Unless the Lord builds a house, he labors in vain who builds it." But how does that look within a marriage, within any relationship? Other than the obvious fact that we Christians need to be yielded and surrendered to Christ in order for Him to accomplish anything?

Not only does a relationship with Christ bring us into a right relationship with the Heavenly Father, but Christ's ministry on earth was highlighted by what our Christian lives should also be defined by: His intimate relationships with others.  Jesus knew the depths of those he connected with. Not only did He know them, He let them know that He knew them, and then loved them exactly as they needed to be loved.  

Meeting the woman at the well, Jesus told her who she was and what she was seeking.  He didn’t simply tell her what to do, or give her what she needed. He let her know that He saw her…her desires, her longings, her emptiness. He gave her acceptance, affirmed her thirst, and He told her where to find what she needed to quench it.

The woman healed by merely touching the corner of His coat, not wanting to trouble him, was given the same level of intimacy.  In this brief passage of scripture it tells us that Jesus turned to the woman, finding her immediately in the crowd, looked her in the face, and called her "sister".  This woman who had been cast out by her family and friends because of her physical issues. Sister. He saw her, her pain and what made her "unclean". He knew her needs, every one of them, physical, spiritual, and emotional, and He met them.

He knew Judas would betray him...and he washed his feet and broke bread with him.

All those He touched He loved intimately, in spite of their faults and failures, in spite of their sin against Him, their creator and King!   He was available to offer the grace and healing they needed because of this. His knowledge and understanding of them, and the love that compelled Him to desire a relationship with them enough to see past all that made them ugly and untouchable.  

For us, however, really seeing someone and developing an intimate relationship takes a lot of work and a lot of time, not to mention courage and strength.   It takes courage to be an open book, to reveal the darkness of your heart to someone whose love and acceptance you desperately long for. It takes strength to listen to the troubled, struggling heart of your spouse and graciously accept and encourage him or her.  Especially given the unique power that our spouses have to cause us pain. When a husband fails and sins in ways that men tend to, nobody is hurt worse than the wife. When the wife sins in her own special way (speaking from experience it’s usually with her words and attitude), nobody is hurt worse than her husband whose deepest need and desire is affirmation and respect. 

But that. That is where it's at. When Christ is our foundation, not only are we yielding to Him and the sanctifying work He can do in our lives individually, we are given the tools and understanding to know exactly how to love, how to relate. We are to see and allow ourselves to be seen. We are to love those around us in the way they need to be loved, right where they are and let love do the work--and the opposite is also equally important, that we let ourselves be known and loved in the ways in which we need to be loved. It takes courage, and it takes strength.

I feel that I entered marriage with an edge over many newlyweds.  Even though I was quite young, I was not naive. I was not "in love" when I married my husband, and I had no illusions about a fairy tale marriage, or that we would live "happily ever after" after saying “I do”.   I knew better. I knew that love was a choice, and it was a choice I made consciously--One that I wrestled with God about from the very beginning.  

As I look back on those years, I realize that, yes, I was an odd teenage girl, but God had a purpose for it.  At the time I met my husband, I had no desire to date. I had no concept of courtship or any other method or philosophy, but I knew for certain that dating wasn't for me.  That kind of relationship in general wasn't for me. What I knew of as dating was this common scenario:

Boy meets girl.  Boy asks girl out.  Girl decides to "date" boy.  Boy and girl spend far too much time together never really getting to know one another because the whole idea is to impress and woo. There's really no good reason for this relationship other than to publicly claim him or her as yours...and possibly to enjoy some physical benefits of dating.  Go ahead and pretend it's not true. Boy and girl semi-commit to each other until one of them gets bored and decides to move on to try someone new. Repeat.

No thank you.  

The year before I met my husband, I had made the decision not to "date" until I was ready to get married, and even then I wouldn't commit to a relationship unless I thought there was a good chance I'd commit to that man in marriage.  And let me tell you, I didn't think I was nearly ready for that! There are plenty of people who could attest to that.

There were many factors that led me to that decision. I was terrified that I would never find a man who I would feel safe enough with to commit to fully.  There was so much life ahead of me, so many people to meet, and I didn’t want to settle into a dating relationship only to find a man that I felt I could actually marry and be stuck in a position in which the only option was to settle or break a long term boyfriend’s heart. I also had strong sexual temptations that I knew would be difficult to control in a dating relationship.  Just being honest here.

Then my husband strolled into my life and somehow I knew he was different.  There was something about him. Though he wasn't exactly my 'type' there was something that appealed to my deepest needs.  He was quiet, respectful, responsible...and many other things you'd rarely say about a teenage boy. As we began to talk and get to know each other, he asked if I would date him.  I'm sure he couldn't have been more disappointed by my flat out rejection. I explained to him that I had no desire to be in a psuedo-commited relationship with anyone at that point, and why, but that I would think about it.  He gave me a few months.

Ultimately I agreed to consider dating him because A) that was the only way to get to really get to know someone of the opposite sex (right?  DUMB) and B) I felt this nagging feeling--it was actually a pretty intense sense of dread, to be honest--that a relationship with him would lead to marriage.  Not because I was so attracted to him that I wanted him in my life every day forever, or because I thought he was perfect for me...far from it, really! but because I felt God's gentle leading. 

  

There is a lot that I could add here, but in the interest of time I’ll refrain.  All I will say is that this phase is where it would have been nice to have a different set of tools, and a little more wisdom and maturity in my walk with Christ, and my husband in his!  

I have always been a very open person and an excellent communicator.  I had a strict concept of relationships and stricter definition of friendship. I could never stand to be in any kind of relationship in which I was not known fully, or in which I didn't know the other person on a very deep level.  I explained this to him, but I don't think he ever really understood. I expected transparency and honesty--real, meaningful and open communication.  He must have thought I was speaking a different language, but smiled and nodded to show he was listening. I took his silence and lack of openness to mean that he was innocent, inexperienced--with little to divulge--and somewhat shallow; which was something that knowing me long enough would certainly cure...after all, I had noticed a trend of deepening those around me who actually wanted a relationship with me.  

Fast-forward many years.  He still didn't know how to communicate with me, or how to develop an intimate, open relationship. 14 years and he never willingly let me in.  You'd think we would have figured this thing out. But we hadn't. He hadn't allowed me in, and he couldn't seem to understand me in even the simplest ways.  Because he was unavailable to me, he was unavailable when I needed him most, and I was never given the opportunity to be there for him the way that a wife should. What he needed most was to know that I loved HIM, and I never had the opportunity to. 

There are a ton of factors concerning the whys and hows, but nothing I feel comfortable sharing here.  The fact is that this one missing tool, one I thought we could develop and learn to use as we went along,  put everything at risk. Because of the issues we faced due to our foundation being laid improperly, we are left with no option but to start over.

My husband said in conversation only last week, as we spoke of our current situation and how we've gotten here, 

"It's kindof hard to fix the foundation when you've been building on it for years..." 

And he's right.  We can't fix what we've built.  It will only continue to fall apart around us until we fix the foundation.  And we can't fix the foundation until we have demolished what has been built, what has failed and fallen...only then can we access the foundation and strengthen it with God's help.  Restore it, and prepare it to support a home that will last.

What's amazing is to see what God has done in the last couple weeks of our life.  He has taken us from a blindly scrambling mess of a couple, to a couple who sees clearly and is determined to do what's necessary to rebuild what always should have been.  Sure, it might seem sad and depressing to think of the life and home we've built as having been razed. Yes, it was hard and painful work. But the fact is that the work it took to tear down what was built in acknowledging past failures, recognizing what we need to correct and promising never to repeat them, was just what we both needed to find hope and peace.   

It's not a mess.  

Not anymore.

Scraping the crud off the foundation with honesty and openness...finally seeing the heart of my husband after all these years, and him finally seeing me.  I can't begin to explain how wonderful it feels.  

With God's help, we will continue to see and restore any cracks or weaknesses in the foundation, and we will not move forward until it is firm!   and what's more is that we are together in it. We are not fighting our own battles, or focusing on our own little projects. This is a team effort! 

It's my prayer that through the struggles we've faced, through pain and heart-ache, we can take what we have learned, humbly ask God to restore our home, and watch as He makes something strong and beautiful out of it.  It's already begun. And it's beautiful already.