The Good and the Bad

Lately I’ve been dealing with some things that I wasn’t sure I should write about…well, of course I would write about them, but the question was: should I share them here?

From the beginning, I have dedicated this blog to be a place to tell my journey and what God is doing.  I’ve told the good, why not share the bad?  So I write this not as an excuse to be a talebearer, or to point fingers at anyone; but to show how God uses trials, uses mistakes and failures, to not only make us better, but to answer our prayers.

So here goes.

I assume that anyone reading this post has likely read my previous posts, you’ve read about the convictions God has given me, the vision in general of what He wants for my family, and I hope that my motivations have been clear.  Namely, that we as a family would be devoted to doing God’s will, whatever it is, that we would be available physically and financially, and focused on His leading instead of chasing our tails with the rest of the world, following money and “success”.

God has convinced me to, and shown me how to “not be conformed to this world”…by renewing my mind and rethinking everything that society tells me, by rethinking everything that is so easy and common to do and to accept as “the only way”, and replacing it all with what I find in scripture.   From the way we think of money and ‘things’, success, education, priorities, and generally what we’re living for and what we’re meant to do.  It has been my hope for years now that my family would enter into God’s “promised land” for us, whatever it may be, and that we, as a family, would joyfully and faithfully follow Him there, serve Him, and trust Him along the way to provide and direct. That we would be where we need to be to serve Him and others in the way he has planned for us.  Not for a second do I believe that this will just happen for believers.  It’s clear from scripture that people can refuse to trust Him and do things their own way, and forfeit His plan (like the Israelites that were too scared to take the promised land), that however well-meaning they are, they can disobey God and live outside of His will and blessing, however “blessed” they seem to be (think King Saul).

I don’t need to see where we’ll be and what we’ll do.  Each day will have its own work to focus on and I’m content just knowing that whatever it is, on any day, we will be doing the work HE has for us, and not spinning our wheels following our own desires…that our kids will grow up really KNOWING God, not just theoretically, but actually seeing His provision and direction, and experiencing Him.  It’s my prayer that they will be so strengthened in their faith that they will not have a doubt in their minds about trusting Him with their lives and futures, like Daniel.  I will have no greater joy than to know that my children are faithful servants of God.

But…

Family is full of people.  And people are imperfect to say the least.  People aren’t always on the same page, or heading in the same direction, whether they should be or not.  Within a marriage, a husband and wife are yoked together and the husband is the leader.  Regardless of conviction, fervency, or passion, we wives go where our husbands take us, and over the course of the last few years I have been frustrated by the fact that mine has been on a different course than where I’ve wanted to go.   I’ve shared with him what God is doing, how He’s leading, where I see us going and how.  I’ve described the vision I’ve been given.   But while he has agreed with the wisdom of my words, and too, wanted to enter that promised land, my conviction and faith was not his own, and so he has taken us on a bit of a detour.  Don’t get me wrong, he does want to go where I want to go.  Ultimately, he wants what God wants for us, he simply thought that he could get us there a different way.  Lacking faith in God’s way, he did things the world’s way and incurred some debt, burdened himself tremendously, and ultimately stretched himself too thin to do the things that God has called him to do…

But God is faithful.  Let me tell ya.

For years I have prayed for my laid back, in-communicative (as so many men are) husband to take charge of this family and really stand up and lead us.  I’ve prayed for his relationship with God to be strengthened so that the strength of his faith would trickle down to the rest of us.  I’ve wanted to confidently, not merely obediently, follow him as he follows the Lord…but he had some growing to do!  I want to say that I was a faithful prayer warrior for my husband, but I know I could have done better, I could have spent more time praying and less time talking, more time praying and less time persuading!   

Even so, the struggles that we’ve had these last few months have proven to show us both God’s working hand, once again.  And His work has been a two-fold answer to my prayers, recent ones and old ones, but it hasn’t been an easy thing to endure.

Lest I come across as a wonderfully, obedient, faithful robot of a wife, let me confess that I have really struggled, especially this last week as I realized how far off track things have gone, as I blindly blabbed on and on about how faithfully we’re following God.  I have felt humiliated, embarrassed; I have been very angry and have had to literally force my mouth shut, though not always successfully.  This woman is one who, when she doesn’t see the feelings that she expects her husband to feel over a situation, is more than willing to tell him what he should feel and how, and she’ll eagerly cause him to feel it with her sharp tongue…this woman is one whose hurt turns to anger and hatred much more readily than it should…and it’s been tough.  I’ve fumed, I’ve ranted, I’ve cried and cried and cried, but it has kept me on my knees before God, praying for strength to react to and accept the situation the way He wants me to!  This is something that I wrote a few days ago as I prayed sorted my thoughts.

Today is a difficult one.  Today I am struggling.  Struggling with reality, with my lack of control over so many things in life, with how I'm handling disappointments...Struggling to accept the fact that others and their decisions can so greatly impact my life and even my own obedience to God and my ability to follow His leading.  Feeling that my hands are tied and I'm bound by another's lack of faith and vision.   
Only a wife experiences this kind of dilemma.
This life is never dull, living for God in a human world.  
I know God.  I know what He has done and what He can do.  So I know that I have hope, I know there's something to look forward to, that good will come of the struggles I'm facing at present, but right now it seems that my flesh is not ready to focus where the spirit is telling me "look". 
Today is a day of honesty, of baring my heart, leaving myself open and raw, to failure, humbled, but with the hope that hereafter I will have a tale of grace, of restoration, of victory. 
I am guilty of something that no God loving wife should be guilty of and that is for failing to be on my knees praying for my husband with the fervency with which I long for results.  I am guilty of knowing it all, of talking incessantly at him, of persuasion…but none of that is going to accomplish what I want in my heart of hearts, and that desire is for my husband to know the Lord like I do, to trust in Him like I do, to see the vision that God has given me for our lives, to love Him more than money and success.  To trust in Him to provide for our needs.  To be poured out for others.  That our family would be one that is truly out of this world and all its ways...
It is painfully clear that I cannot lead us there. That is not my job.
...but I am confident that through some difficult lessons to learn, God is showing my husband that His way is best, that He needs to be and CAN be the leader of our family, to walk us forward into that "promised land" that he has for us, where we can live the life He's called us to.  

While it hasn’t been easy, God HAS been so good.  He has not only met our physical needs and financial needs, helping us to quickly dig ourselves out of recent debts (much more quickly than we should have been able to!).  Showing us such mercy and grace.  But most importantly, my husband learned some very important lessons.  He’s learned where following worldly wisdom takes us, especially when we know God’s ways.   He has also begun to see glimpses of God’s plan for our family, and God has changed his heart to understand the importance of focusing on the roles God has put him in right now.  He has witnessed God’s faithfulness through this, and knows for himself that God can be trusted to provide for us.  He understands that when he is faithful with what God has given him, whether it be money or responsibilities, he will be given more.  

And do you know how I know all of this?  This time it’s not because I told him myself and assumed he listened ;)  I know because he has told me!  My quiet, clammed up, emotionally suppressive husband has bared his heart to me and shared both his remorse and his hopes with me…maybe some of you won’t understand, but for this wife, that was a miracle.  Most men won’t admit to failure because of their pride, even men who find it easy to communicate!  (there were even a few…’I should have listened to you’s and ‘you were right’s   :P)   The walls of Jericho have crumbled!   and I am filled with hope. 

We went through a rough, muddy patch, but came out on the other side together…not just because we’re yoked together, but as one.  We’re finally on the same page, looking at the same map, heading in the same direction.  My husband has experienced God and I have seen it.  He’s ready to lead us on!

Praise God!

*It’s important to note that my husband gave me permission to share this!  :)