Hitting the Snooze Button

I was reading through some of the many word documents that I have not saved or deleted this morning and I found something I had written in February.  I thought I would share it here as it served as a good reminder to me how the Lord leads us gently like a Good Shepherd, because of the changes that have taken place since I wrote this.  God is so faithful and good to show us the way and lead us through it! 

February 

Hitting the Snooze Button

This morning a realization dawned on me and I wanted to write it down, more as a way to sort it out and to see if before my eyes as a clear picture, than anything else.  Of course, like anything else I begin to understand, I will indubitably need to be reminded at some point, which is another good reason to write it down!

Anyway.

I awoke this morning thinking of dear friends of ours who lost their 12 year old son...that, among the myriad other things on my mind and heart of late, put me in a deeply pensive mood.  

There has been an ongoing battle in my spirit and, consequently, in my household the last few weeks.  My kids are driving me up the wall!  I’m losing patience with them, they seem to be losing respect for me (or at least testing to see how much they can get away with), and at the bottom of it I am almost too overwhelmed to fight the good fight.   Isn't there an autopilot button somewhere?

What I realized this morning is that these two things that I woke up thinking and praying about are inter-related in a very sad, pathetic way.

Two years ago I was frustrated with parenting.  Sure, I set myself up for it, some might think.  I could have sent my kids off to school for 6+ hours a day and had a little more breathing room, less on my to-do list, a cleaner more organized house, and little to no frustration over “schooling”…but that’s not what I was called to do.  I was called very clearly by the Word of God to train up my children, not to let a state run school do so.  I'm responsible for teaching them the truly important stuff, to prepare them for whatever it is that God has created them to do.  But in the day to day, I found myself to be stressed out and exhausted.  Because of my perspective, my focus, and my expectations I had lost sight of what was truly important about these few years that I have with my kids.  

What it took for me to recognize this was the sudden, accidental death of my friend’s young son.  It was a very real and sobering wake up call for me.  What does hovering over my seven year old, giving him the evil eye because he doesn’t focus on 30 multiplication problems, accomplish if God calls him home before he ever needs to use multiplication in real life?  What is the importance of academic excellence if achieving it breaks the bond between me and my child? or if his heart is turned away from the Lord?

If I knew that I might only have a few short years with my children, how would I want to spend them?  Heck, I would toss the workbooks out the window and just hold them...I would fervently share the Gospel with them... Their giggles and play would put a smile on my face instead of wrinkles and head aches.

My friend’s tragic loss turned my world around.  The way I taught my children at home was transformed; my goals and the bulls eye of my aim was adjusted, and I praised God for the chance He’d given me to start over.  I was incredibly grateful that He woke me up before it was too late.  My two oldest children have since repented and accepted Christ's gift of salvation!  Praise God!

…but I realized this morning that somewhere along the line I pushed the snooze button.  My attention has been diverted, my eyes off the bulls eye.  Sure, I’m still facing the target, it’s not as though every day is full of frustration and devoid of love…but there’s an overall feeling of frustration because I’ve once again lost sight of what’s really important.  God gave me a wakeup call two years ago and I pushed the snooze button.  How sad.  

Certainly, I could use a lot of excuses.  A new baby, resuming a “structured” day of schooling after two months of freedom and non-stop play, sleep deprivation, blah blah blah…but there’s no excuse good enough to justify it.  The fact of the matter is that whether or not tragedy strikes, I do only have a few short years with my children.  These little beings change with each short-lived stage, they transform sometimes from one day to the next!  (I could write an entire post on the transformation from age 4-5 in my children)  There is joy and fun to be had each day, opportunities to show them who God is…and it’s far too easy to miss those moments.  

It's way too easy to turn teachable moments into frustration, or to take an opportunity to share God's grace and instead point out failure, to focus on human "success" and neglect humility.  It’s way too easy to turn moments that should bring a smile to my face into moments of frustration because I want to do what I want to do.   Like when my five year old wants to tell me what’s on her mind (silly as her thoughts may be) and I shush her because it’s time to read or write.  Or when my son is playing LOUDLY with his sisters and I tell them to settle down and in the next moment yell at him for not being nice to them (DUH).  Then there’s the worst of it…when one or more of them wants to sit and snuggle with me or talk as I’m writing up their lessons for the day and I tell them to move because they’re “making me mess up their lessons”. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are important things to be done every day.   Learning is important, discipline is important, schedules are important…but if they’re not applied in the context of loving and enjoying this family God has blessed me with then they’re all done in vain. If my focus is on this world instead of God's Kingdom, then it's all utterly in vain.

That being said, I’m heeding this gentle reminder and refocusing…and keeping my hand off that darn snooze button!